fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
