I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
