This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
