i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
