yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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