I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
