I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
