I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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