fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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