I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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