I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize