The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
