I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
