just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
