so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
