She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
And then he peed in my hair
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