trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
