I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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