someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
