didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
