It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
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I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
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Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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