Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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