I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
