My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.