You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.