I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
