My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements