i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Thank you for not boning my boss.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.