I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
