Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
