I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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