I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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