you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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