Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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