but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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