1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
