I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
