im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
