She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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