if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
