never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
