you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
