i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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