I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
