the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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