We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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