My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've blown a few things in my day
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
