fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
