I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Randomize