there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
