But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Less talking, more tequila
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
