Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
