fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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