I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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