my phone needs a breathalizer
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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