I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
