so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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