i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
