textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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