How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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