brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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