We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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