How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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