You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
